I’ve been giving it a lot of thought about what sets me off. My ex-to-be and I are doing divorce differently; for the most part, we get along though there are still times when he pisses me off. One of my big triggers is that he works around me. I think we have decided on something, then he will find a way to make it work for him, and I am just supposed to be ok with it. It usually pisses me off a lot, and that is when we fight.

I do realize that this reaction is my responsibility and it is up to me to figure out why it pisses me off so much. I do have some ideas – I spent years accommodating him, and what he wants. I have this sense of responsibility that it is up to me to make sure he is ok, which is totally crazy. He is 51 years old; he is responsible for himself – again this is my shit.

Old baggage defines what triggers us

Keep in mind triggers explain why you have the reaction ­– they do not excuse the reaction. Emotional triggering is a survival response. Our brain creates a powerful connection between things that hurt us and whatever happened when we got hurt. Triggers are everywhere; they can bring up anger, annoyance, laughter, tears, grief, sadness and so much more. What we can do about them is to see if we can find the root, the connection, to find out why they get to us so much – and it usually has something to do with past experiences. Once you know the root you can look at it, see what is going on, to find a way to defuse the trigger. This may take some work, yet it is so worth it.

Finding your emotional trigger

So how do you figure what is the root? Think about the last time you had a strong reaction, the last time you were upset. Now think back to a moment and ask – when have I felt this way before? Then ask again and again, this will help you trace the memory. Give yourself time and space to do this, ask someone you trust to help you. This is a work in progress – you cannot fix it in just one day. As you start this, observe how your reactions change, and you will want to do it more. I know that as I have done this, my reactions have changed a lot of situations. Remember you are doing this for you. The time and energy it takes to deal with these emotional outbursts is exhausting, and you will feel lighter once there are fewer.

Here to stay

They will never go away, like us, it is a work in progress, and you can get kicked in the ass when you least expect it.

I recently went for a mammogram, the first one after breast cancer. I honestly thought it was no big deal, it will just be like the ones I did before. Wow, I was so wrong! The day of the test I was terrified and the moment I walked into the waiting room I was angry – I know this is my reaction to fear and sadness. Once the pictures were done, and I had to wait to make sure they were good, the tears came. I know why; I know where they come from and for now there is nothing I can do about it. I let the tears come, and when I was done, I had an ugly cry in the car.

For now, mammograms are a big trigger for me, it will pass – but at least I know why I reacted the way I did. This one was very obvious, and not all of them are like that. For example, when the ex-to-be works around me, it’s so clear. This is when I get my journal out and look for the root.

If you want different, it is time to do something about these reactions. Fuck fine.

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