Shame doesn’t make any sense. It’s not rational, yet it is real.

Difference between guilt and shame

You didn’t get it done, you forgot, or you put it off. Then you get called out for it.

You didn’t do it. Ok, you didn’t do it.

You may feel guilty about it; you take steps to rectify it and move on. The guilt is based on something you did or didn’t do. “I didn’t send the information to the client; I didn’t follow up with the client; I made a mistake.” Maybe it’s something at home; not spending enough time with  family or friends – being short with someone.

We realize it, or it is pointed out to us, we apologize and then move on. “I am sorry, I fucked up.”

Guilt comes from behaviour; it is tied to actions or lack of actions. Sometimes it big and it takes awhile to let it go and move on.

Then there is shame. It is when guilt crosses into you. It goes from, “I made a mistake,” to “I am a mistake.” From, “I didn’t do enough,” to “I am not enough.”

A lot of us don’t know that we are carrying shame

Shame seeps in and, over time, it dwells deep inside of us. We may not even know it’s there until we hit a tipping point.

Recently I had a client who was having a hard time in her new business; it wasn’t going the way she had imagined, she wasn’t getting the result she had hoped. She started getting stressed about it, feeling guilty anytime she wasn’t actually working in the business and generally feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation. She questioned everything she did and asked herself if she was doing enough. Then a few weeks later she found herself on the sofa sobbing; she wasn’t enough.

Here is the thing about shame; it can’t live if you talk about it. The more you talk about it, the more it lessens. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you don’t do anything about shame, it seeps into everything you do, including your business. Keep in mind there may be situations in your business that feed the shame you already have. Take my client on the couch as an example; the not doing enough in her business seeped into her life, and hence she felt like she wasn’t enough.

What can you do to put shame out?

• Start with a list. What do you feel shame about? This is only for you, so be honest. You can’t make changes if you don’t know.Get a piece of paper and start writing. Where did it come from? What is it all about? This can take awhile, and I warn you it can be challenging.
• Find your person. Your person is a safe person – someone who will listen to you, won’t try to fix you, and just listens.

It’s an excellent starting point: get clear, get it out of your head, and start talking about it.

Again, there is no place for shame in a fabulous life. But we don’t let shame be; we talk about it, so it leaves. Hopefully, forever, and if not, until the next time shame appears, and then we talk about it again, and again and again. We simply don’t let shame hide anymore.