I am sitting on a stool in my bathroom – it’s a big one. I’ve been up most of the night with Foxie, our pug who is having puppies. We have three so far and maybe more to come. The birth got me thinking about the circle of life; what comes and goes, how for beginnings there have to be endings, and about grief.

Grief is not something we enjoy, yet it is a necessary part of the circle. Without it, we cannot feel joy. Without saying goodbye, we cannot say hello.

Grief has many faces. It doesn’t just appear when we lose someone we love, it can also appear when we say goodbye to a relationship or when we lose hope. In some ways this is one of the hardest feelings to allow ourselves to feel.

Over the years I have become an expert in grief. It is not something I talk about a lot, yet she is a constant in my life – yes, I believe grief is a woman and I even know what she looks like. I have made peace with her. She comes when necessary. I respect her, allow her to do what she needs to do, and then she settles away until next time.

The thing about grief is she needs to be acknowledged. She needs to be talked about, when she isn’t, it gets worse. This is a challenge for a lot of us. We tend to shy away and keep it quiet, not wanting to give her the power, but once we start talking about her, she loses steam and begins to settle in where she dwells.

I had lunch with a good friend last week. We talked about the grief she is currently experiencing. She recently found out her eggs are old. “Rotten,” she said to me. She has been trying to add to her family, and it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for her. On the surface she has an amazing way of looking at it, she has been very zen about it, yet underneath she is pissed off and very sad. These are two of the stages of grief. I let her vent, let her get it off her chest, say what she wanted, and just listened. This did not make it go away, but giving grief a voice is taking a step towards it losing steam. My friend wants to feel better instantly. This might not be the case, but it is a step in the right direction.

When it comes to grief you cannot just ignore her, you have to face her. You can google how deal with it and come up with thousands of answers. You can google the stages and see where you fall. You can do all the research and try to have a plan, yet you cannot plan it away.

Three ways to deal with grief

1. Allow yourself to feel it in your body. Find a comfortable chair and take a deep breath. Let go of fighting it and allow the feeling to come up in your body. Let yourself feel it. It is not nice; it may not feel good but let it happen. If your scared of it, set a timer so you know when to stop. Once you’re done, if the feelings are still present play one of your favorite songs and shake your bootie. This will shift everything for you.
2. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. The more you talk about it the less of a hold she will have on you.
3. Give yourself permission, permission to feel however you feel. There is no right and wrong with this, just allow the feelings to come out. If you’re angry yell, if you’re sad cry, just follow the feelings and let them out.

There are lots of other ways to process grief. There is no right or wrong. Grief has a life of her own and is yours, you get to deal with it anyway you want.

If you need support please feel free to reach out to me. Contact me here.