The year is waiting to tell its story. I know for me 2019 year the story will be very different. This year is going to be amazing, filled with ups and downs, joy and sadness, and I am so excited to experience it all.

For the first time in 3 years I have been able to set goals, not just put words on paper, but look at the year to come and at what I want. I have spent the last month doing this, which I know now, is a gift that I didn’t have for a while.

Planning: the first step

I like to have a plan, to work the plan and know where I am going. One of the lessons I learned the last couple of years is that sometimes your plan is derailed, and you just have to wing it; that is ok!

We are all doing the best we can. The old adage of “the best laid plans” come to mind. I did the best that I could in the circumstances I was dealing with. I spend a lot of time in a fog that I just couldn’t shake and I had moments of clarity that made me think I was ok, yet I wasn’t. Now I know I did a really good job at looking like I was holding it together but that was bullshit, I was hanging on the best I could.

The one thing I am taking from 2018 into 2019 is gratitude – if it had not been for my good friends who were with me every step of the way, I am not sure I would have made it.

New beginning when you are grieving

When you’re dealing with grief it fucks with you. So many people think grief is just when someone dies yet it is so much bigger than that. A loved one may pass away, you may be dealing with an illness, have a surgery that changed the landscape of your body, find out you won’t be adding to your family no matter how much you want it, letting go of a relationship, the loss of hope, the loss of possibilities. She has many faces (I believe grief is female) and she is with you your whole life in so many ways.

I used to hate her; she has been with me as long as I can remember. I walk with grief – she is part of my life and I am ok with it now. I don’t like her much when she is in my face and messing with me yet when she settles down, when I spend some time with her, she becomes part of me and that allows me to enjoy life so much more. Without sadness there is no joy, if you don’t allow yourself to feel the sadness you don’t allow yourself to feel the joy. Saying goodbye makes room to say hello.

Dealing with Grief in the new year

I won’t kid you the process of having her settle down is not easy, it takes courage, patience and love – for yourself. It’s a process and it takes as long as it takes. She will pop up and surprise you when you least expect it and when she does, she wants some attention. For me, every time I looked in the mirror for 2.5 years, she was there and it’s hard to avoid looking in the mirror. I can now say she is not there when I look, she has done her job for now and has settled. I know that she will be back to visit yet I am not missing her.

Looking back

I have the gift of being able to look back now, when I was in it, I couldn’t see it. All I could do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Doing what I had to do. I had to work through it in my own way. I made a lot of bad decisions, spent a lot of time alone and basically checked out as much as I could. My lifeline were my besties who never gave up on me and were with me every step (who do you say thank you for that kind of love?). I made it, learned so much along the way and now I can put the pieces together.

2019 is my year!

Now it’s my turn. It is my time to step out of my comfort zone. I have known it for a while now and it is time that I say it out loud. I am an expert in grief. It is one of my gifts; I know her well and I know the journey. It is my turn to support other women dealing with her. If you are dealing with her and need some support, comfort or someone to talk about her, honestly, I am the one for you. I am only a phone call away.

I am choosing to start 2019 with an open heart and making plans and it feels amazing!