I am sitting at the table with my 10-year-old. He is drawing, and I am writing this blog. My 13-year-old got up on the wrong side of the bed and, truthfully, I am trying not to talk to him. It is Mother’s Day, and I am struggling.

It has caught me off guard. The last few years, Mother’s Days for me have been a mix of happy and sad. Since I let the grief of the children I lost out of the box I had locked them in for years, Mother’s Day is a mixture of emotions. Those Mother’s Days had surprised me by being up and down, and I’ve come to expect the day will be a mixture of a lot of things.

This morning it is different again. Usually, Dan (my ex-to-be) is here. He works with the boys and makes the day different from all the others. Never being the one for huge gestures, he makes sure that the boys knew and there were cards and kisses. This year he is away on a trip with his girlfriend. I wasn’t thrilled with the timing of it since it was Mother’s Day, but it happened anyway.

Doing Divorce Different

We are not a couple and haven’t been for over three years. We are friends and co-parents. We are figuring it out as we go; we like to call it doing divorce differently. It works for us. Yes, there are times we argue and get annoyed, but overall it’s pretty good for our boys and us. Even though it’s been three years, there are still new things we are experiencing – like Mother’s Day without him being here.

Things change. Calling it quits on our marriage was a joint decision and we are in a good place, yet there are still times that different is challenging. I think that I am good with everything and then it kicks my ass. Mother’s Day comes, and he is not here. I am not sad that he isn’t here. It’s just different. To be honest, Mother’s Day is supposed to me about me, and today there is no one to make that happen (the 10-year-old is trying, but at 10, he is more interested in NexoKnights – a show on Netflix).

Change: definitely not a straight road

Change is one step forward and two steps back. Today I am in the two steps back phase, yet I know that I’ll move forward, that I will catch up on those steps.

Change is part of life, can be welcomed or challenging, yet it will always happen. No matter how much we want it, there are still emotions attached to it – happy, sad and everything in between. You will take steps backward. When that happens, it is really easy just to call it quits. This is when you need to dig in and honestly ask if that is what you want.

It is not the first time that I have dealt with the different with Dan and me. Yes, there have been times I have thought how much easier it would be if we were still together. And yes, I have even walked through it in my head. Not going to happen. This is what I want, and I will take the days like this as they come. It’s all part of the journey.

Now I am going to have a good cry, get ready for a massage Dan arranged for me (he really does try!) and then take my boys for dinner.