The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition for belonging is a close or intimate relationship as in a sense of belonging.
To be a part of something is a driving force for a lot of us; to find the group or tribe that will give us a sense of belonging. It is hard-wired, yet we don’t stop and think about belonging to ourselves. It is not about losing ourselves in a crowd.
This quote from Brené Brown absolutely nails it, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are: it requires you to be who you are.”
The part that stands out for me is about being who you are. So many of us let the rules in our heads run our life. We have rules about what we do, how we do it, and of course, the “WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK.”
The first step in true belonging is to be who you are. Now I don’t think this is an excuse to stop working on yourself and say, “Screw it! I am who I am.” It is just another reason to stop trying to live by the rules in your head. I know everyone has them. They are how we operate, but the big question is whose rules are they? If they are your rules; if you have put them in place for you to support what you want – fantastic. However, I know there are some rules are not ours. Some we have picked up along the way, and they are now part of us, yet they are not us.
Take a closer look at the rules
Think about all of those rules that live in your head that guide your decision-making. For instance, for years, I had this rule in my mind: You don’t talk about your feelings in public.
Make a list – get a piece of paper and get them out of your head. This process may take a few tries and just keep adding to the list.
Where did they come from?
Getting to the core of your rules might take a little (or even a lot of) time. But uncovering the root of each rule is essential to eradicating it. My dad always used to say “We don’t talk about family business outside of these four walls,” and that became my rule because he said so.
For each rule, ask yourself, “Where did this come from? What is the root?”
Are these rules working for you?
Not all rules are bad. Some can be great. That said, many are detrimental to progress. If a rule is not working for you, it’s time to replace it with a new rule.
For instance, I replaced “You don’t talk about your feelings in public.” with something much more healthy that works for me: “Be open and vulnerable whenever you can.”
My new rules
You get to call the shots—not your history. So write new rules that work for you. It can be a little daunting at first but OMG, it is so worth it! Believe me, living by your own rules is way better than living by someone else’s.
Remember, “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are: it requires you to be who you are.” Letting go of the rules that are not serving you and making new ones is a huge part of being who you are.