It seems like every day I step into me a bit more. This new me is taking on things that I have not in the past. It is all part of moving forward and, to borrow my friend Heidi’s line, standing in my truths.
This is not as easy as it sounds yet I am not shying away from it; I am digging deep and sharing it as I go. This week is about permission – it is kind of part two of the blog that I wrote last week. As I stated publicly, I have a new lover. He is lovely and good for me. He is also one of the most open, interesting people I have met in a very long time.
He has an entirely different view than I do on a lot of things and I really like that. He has an interesting life and is very much his own person. He owns who he is, what he is about, what he thinks, and how he lives his life. Wow – this is so refreshing – talk about getting what we need when we need it!
Spending time with him has given me a different perspective and has made me really think about why I do things, what I want, what I don’t want and about permission. The black and white that I use to live in is going gray more and more. With this gray so many things are coming, and I will admit I love it. I have given myself permission to say fuck it to so many things. To just do, versus being attached to the outcome. To do things that may not be “the norm” and just go with it.
Spilling into all parts of my life
I noticed in business lately I am not worried about the end result, I am making decisions and choices based on what is in front of me. This is not to say I am just going with the flow, I am still running a business here. It is more about not being attached to the way it looks, instead of thinking “I should do this” or “It should be like this,” I am going with “I am not sure what it looks like yet we will take the step” or “we will start and see what it looks like as we move forward.”
Funny how this has come to me now: it is outside the box thinking, and it is not like I didn’t have that in my life before. For god’s sake, our legal company name for Mortgage Alliance West is Outside the Box Money Co. We have used outside the box in marketing, yet I was trapped in the box – the box of what will people think.
Yes, I realize that this may confuse some people since I have spent years doing my own thing, but I always had rules in my head – some served me well and some not so much.
The Permission thing
This permission thing is more significant than just “what will people think.” It is the social norms as well. These norms have been ingrained in us for our whole life, some take hold, and some don’t. They could be things like moms are the primary caregivers for children or open relationships are wrong – it is just a way to cheat. Recently a friend told me when he came out the social pressure was for him to be straight or gay. These are just a few examples, but there are so many.
These days some of them are changing. There are a lot more dads who are primary caregivers. In my house, this used to be the case yet that has changed to being very much 50/50. The idea of open relationships are evolving (I listened to the most interesting podcast about this last week) and there are now fluid, queer and non-binary to describe sexuality.
It is about you
Regardless of what you believe, these social norms are cast upon people, and I realize now it is not about society, it is about you. It is up to you if you let these norms into your life, if you let them influence your decisions. I am not naive enough to think that you can just decide not to let them influence you; we are bombarded with messages every day – just look at the diet industry, a great example of what is put out. Is there any wonder why people have self-esteem issues? I know this one far too well, dealt with it for years thinking I wasn’t good enough. I am so done with that now, but it took A LOT of work. I am bucking the social norm – a large woman who is really fit!
When you give yourself permission to let go of this crap, when you decided what you want, when you stop letting the outside world influence what you are supposed to want and start believing in you, in what you want, in who you are and let that into your heart, life changes in an instant. The weight of making yourself wrong is lifted, and you have the freedom to be you.
The Freedom to be Me
I know for me this was the case when my ex and I ended our marriage. I felt I was done for a long time and hid my feelings. We had a good marriage, our family meant a lot to me, and we adopted our kids – that is a huge commitment for me. To actually admit to him how I felt (and he felt the same way) and take steps to do divorce differently was a massive relief for me.
How many times have I been told that this is not the way to do it and received advice on what I need to do? (It is interesting how many people have an opinion on how or what we should do.) It was also fascinating how many people asked me who was cheating – neither of us was. We are going against the norm and guess what – it is working for our kids and us and that is what I care about.
So if you are looking for permission to say fuck it to something, here it is!
Go for it, say screw you to whatever it is. This is your life, and you get to decide what you want and how you want it. Go for it!